Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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