Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
