Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
