I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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