why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
