i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Life without a bra equals bliss.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
