Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
