meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Randomize
