Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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