you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
