i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
