just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
