My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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