we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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