oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
