The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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