You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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