if you like me you must not know who I am
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
