I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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