P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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