It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
