Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
