So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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