I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Fuck appropriateness.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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