i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize