Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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