I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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