If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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