I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
