his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Why is your signature on my underwear?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
