i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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