that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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