At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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