I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
