Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
