..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
