ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
