You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
