My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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