God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
