getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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