just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
