i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
the day after is always just damage control
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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