my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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