Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
