Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
