my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
