Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
