This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
