the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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