Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
third nipple confirmed
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
