Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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