I can tuck mytits in my pants
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
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