Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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