Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The power of my boobs compel you
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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