I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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