I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
