Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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