you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
